Today I Quit

     I quit today.  I stood up, walked away from the weight machine and said, "I quit."  I put on my coat and walked out the door.

    I came home, took a hot shower, snuggled under a blanket on my bed and thought about why I did what I did.  I couldn't lift it, was all that was going through my mind.  Why, why, why?  It was only 20 something pounds!!  And I want to be a trainer?  What the hell am I thinking?  Every negative, nasty thought raced through my mind.  I blinked back the tears.  I'm too thin, I'm too weak, my back is deformed; my ego was kicking in strong by this time and sending me spiraling down into my own little Hell.  But for some reason I was feeling peaceful as well.  For once, I allowed myself to quit.  I drifted off for a few minutes and woke up to the smell of turkey I had in the oven.  Protein!  I forced myself out of bed knowing I needed to eat more protein and my quitting wasn't an actual quit.
     Trying to gain muscle and maintain body weight while eating clean IS NOT EASY!  Trying to gain body weight while eating clean is almost impossible.  In the past 24 hours I interviewed four different trainers/bodybuilders for my final exam essay.  I consider them all friends and very knowledgeable when it comes to building muscle.  But, they all had different advice for me.  Eat dirty, No, eat clean but take supplements, Don't run, No, run but not that much, lift more, train harder!  They all had advice but no one actually asked me how I felt or what I thought.
   So, these are my thoughts:  The GNC Mass gainer I was taking was upsetting my stomach.  Yes, I gained 5 lbs in the past year while I was taking it, but I believe it was only water weight because I always felt bloated.  Creatine was one of the main ingredients which after extended research, I discovered is really good for you.  It helps to repair muscle fibers and is needed for the ATP process. Our bodies produce creatine naturally and we also get creatine from red meats and fish.  So what happens when we ingest more creatine?  Will our bodies stop producing it naturally?  I couldn't find the answer to this.  I decided it wasn't worth the money (very expensive!).  I wanted to see how my body would feel and respond without it.  According to my trainer today, not so well.
    I WANT TO RUN AND BUILD MUSCLE!  My body is not allowing me to do that at this time.  Some books and trainers say this is impossible.  I'm feeling at this time it is impossible.  I need to back off on the running until my weight and strength increase.  Heavy sigh because this really makes me sad.  I know I have to bite the bullet and lift more to maintain my upper body strength.  To defend myself more accurately, my quitting was at the end of my training when my muscles were fatigued from heavy weights and multiple sets.  This is the conclusion to my egotistical brooding.                 

     This was the first time in three years of intense training that this has ever happened.  For some reason at this moment, I feel empowered.  Maybe there is something positive about giving yourself that power to say "I quit." 

     You see, I know it wasn't a true quit.  I know tomorrow or the next day I will take on that same challenge that kicked my ass today, but next time I will be more prepared.  Maybe it's about giving yourself a break once in a while.